United States: “the darkness suffocates me at all time”

Xandan is incarcerated at Lane Murray Unit, a state prison located in Texas. He tells us how a typical day goes by.

Xandan is a trans man. For the past 14 years, he has been incarcerated in Lane Murray Unit in Texas, a women’s facility. He does not expect to be released before 2038. Two years ago, he received a letter from Austria. This was the beginning of his correspondence with Alex. Alex reflects on their friendship. Xandan, for his part, describes the conditions of his detention.

These two texts tell a story of a friendship between two persons, each on a different continent, one free, the other imprisoned.

I can hear some prisoners literally being transformed into monsters because the walls are closing in on them

Alex, an Austrian, has been corresponding for two years with Xandan

Read the testimonial

Losing the outside

A typical day in Lane Murray Unit solitary wing, RHU¹, starts at 3am when breakfast is served through a small slot in a metal steel door. Breakfast consists of cold artificial eggs, cold oatmeal and stale bread. Being in solitary, 24 hours a day, under lockdown is depressing. I’m being held in a small 6 x 6 cell with a steel bed, small desk, metal toilet, no light. The darkness suffocates me all the time. The only light I get comes from the window.

All day long, the noise is manic. From the banging of some prisoners screaming, slamming of doors, officers’ keys jingling off their belt… there is never silence. All night and all day, sounds like screaming, yelling, banging on walls, doors, crying. Lunch comes at approximately 10 am which consists of frozen bologna, stale bread, raisins. I am alone in the dark cell 24 hours a day. Luckily, I have books to keep me company. To keep me sane. Hopefully, I can get a shower today. If not, I´ll have to bird bathe in my sink. I watch the birds in the sky fly. Wondering where they are going. I´m glad I have books to keep me sane. I can hear some prisoners literally being transformed into monsters because the walls are closing in on them, causing insanity because they´ve lost touch with reality. They have lost the outside. Only the prison cell is known.

Sometimes the cries and screams affect me. Sometimes they deter me from being able to think straight.

The 3pm dinner trays are shoved in my door slot. It´s pork mystery meat. More stale bread. A potato. The smell of the meat causes me to retch in my toilet. I feed the bread to the birds out my window. I read my book. Thanks to my good friend Alex, I have books. They make my days less gloomy. My friend Alex also lessened my days of depression. I receive mail at 8 pm. I get a JPay from Alex. I have a sense of calm in my dark cell. I can block out all the yelling, screaming, banging. I have peace as I read mail from my friend. My only family.

RHU refers to the Restrictive Housing Unit. It is commonly known as “the hole“. ↩

Some of these women have been in this dungeon for over 10 years

The same routine forever

Throughout the day, every time I feel like I´m succumbing to the darkness, I get up and do some push-ups, sit-ups, squats. Get my blood pumping, get my heartrate up.
It´s night-time now. No more light is coming into my cell. Now I can´t read. I just lay down on cold steel with two thin sheets and stare up at the ceiling and just think. I have to do this same routine forever since I´m serving a life sentence. I think of life, how it could have been. How it could have been if I was able to turn back the hands of time. It´s been 14 years that I´ve lost out on life. I´m captive in a 6 x 6 steel cell, being fed and living like an animal at a zoo.

Eating cold, stale food. Freezing in the winter, due to lack of warm clothing or blankets. Still hungry. Drinking water out of faucet from sink. No access to medical.

I have hunger pangs. I can hear the officer beating a prisoner because she wouldn´t stop crying. The nurse comes through to issue out some meds. Mostly psychiatric medication for the mentally ill. I´m now in solitary confinement as a retaliation to the articles I wrote in the San Francisco Bay View newspaper and Southern Cultures magazine. There, I exposed the corruption, venality, transphobia, racism, abuse and torture that I witnessed at Lane Murray Unit.

I´m bullied, sexually harassed, starved and ridiculed on a daily basis. When I exposed all the abuse, I was physically assaulted by officers and thrown into dark hole, a cell in ad seg (“administration segregation”).

I´ve been in prolonged solitary confinement, battling depression, losing weight, trying to remain positive. My anxiety is bad. Some of these women have been in this dungeon for over 10 years. I´ve been put in this dungeon because officers want to silence me. I am being tortured because I exposed the abuse. I exposed the truth! I am a martyr! Even though I suffer, I do not regret my articles. I will continue to speak out on these injustices.

[EDITED ARTICLE] : Due to a misunderstanding, Xandan Gulley was misgendered in the first published version of this article. We have therefore corrected the article to reflect the gender with which Xandan identifies.

Gulley Britney #1601283, Lane Murray Unit, 1916 N. Hwy 36 Bypass, Gatesville TX 76596-

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